Shit Happens!

Last Updated: December 28, 1999

Exciting News Ways in Which Shit Can Happen:


Shit Happens in Various World Religions

Taoism
Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
 
Hare Krishna
Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
 
Confucianism
Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY."
 
Buddhism
If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
 
Zen
What is the sound of shit happening?
 
7th Day Adventism
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Branch Davidianism
It's the cops!  Oh shit!
We're in deep shit.!
Hinduism
I've seen this shit before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life.
This shit happening IS you.
 
Protestantism
If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
If shit happens, praise the lord for it!
 
Calvinism
Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
 
Episcopalianism
If shit happens, hold a procession.
 
Lutheranism
Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.
 
Anglicanism
It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
 
Catholicism
If shit happens, you deserved it.
You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
 
Charismatic Catholicism
Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
 
Judaism
Why does shit always happen to US?
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?
 
Reform Judaism
Got any laxatives?
 
Islam
If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
If shit happens, take a hostage.
We don't take any shit.
 
Nation of Islam
Don't take no shit!
 
New Age
That's not shit, it's feldspar.
A firm shit does not happen to me.
This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
I create my own shit.
If shit happens, honor it and share it.
Sheeeeeeeeeeit!
Were all part of the same shit.
For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.
 
Wicca
If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
The Goddess makes shit happen.
 
Jehovah's Witnesses
No shit happens until Armaggedon.
There is only a limited amount of good shit.
Knock Knock, "Shit Happens."
Here, we insist you take our shit.
Shit happens door to door.
 
Secular Humanism
Shit evolves.
 
Darwinism
Survival of the shittiest.
 
Christian Science
When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.
Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
Our shit will take care of itself.
Shit is in your mind.
 
Atheism
I don't believe this shit.
It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it.
Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead.
No shit!
 
Religion from an Atheist's point of view
I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit.
 
Agnosticism
It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
What is this shit?!
How can we KNOW if shit happens?
You can't prove any of this shit
 
Rastafarianism
Let's smoke this shit!
Hey, this is good shit, mon.
 
Mormonism
If shit happens, shun it.
Excrement happens (you can't say shit in Utah)
Hey, there's more shit over here!
Our shit is better than your shit.
Shit happens again & again & again ...
 
Energizer Bunny
Shit happens and keeps going and going and going and...
 
Baptist
You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
We'll wash the shit right off you.
 
Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
 
Iraqi Baathist
Oh shit!
 
Voodoo
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Let's stick some pins in this shit!
This shit's gonna get you
 
Televangelism
Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
 
Unitarianism
What is this Shit?
We affirm the right for shit to happen.
Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.
It's not the shit that matters. It's the process.
 
Orthodox
St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
 
Greek Orthodox
Shit happens, usually in three's.
 
EST
I am at cause that shit will not happen.
You're responsible for all the shit that happens.
 
Fundamentalism
There's no shit in the Bible.
Shit happens, but don't publish it.
 
Twelve Step
Shit happens one day at a time.
 
Amish
Shit is good for the soil.
This modern shit is worthless.
 
Shintoism
You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
 
Moonies
Only happy shit really happens.
 
Stoicism
This shit is good for me.
 
Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half the time.
 
Bahaism
Why do you keep shitting on us?
 
Mysticism
This is really weird shit.
 
Paganism
Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
 
Rajhneesh
Give us your shit and put on this orange shit.
 
Rosicrucianism
What is this AMORC shit?
 
Satanism
We hope bad shit happens to all of you.
We will make your shit happen.
 
Witchcraft
Mix this shit together and it will happen
 
Scientology
All this happens to be shit.
If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you.
 
Shamanism
Whoaa...Holy Shit!
 
Sikhism
Leave our shit alone
 
Sureshism
You are all pieces of shit.
 
Dianetics
"Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)

Shit Happens in Other Various Ways

Yuppie Shit
It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful?
 
An Employer
Shit happens, and rolls down hill.
 
An Employee
I've done my shit, so can I take the day off?
This shit's not part of my contract.
 
Environmentalism
Shit is biodegradable.
 
Heisenbergism
Shit happened, we just don't know where.
 
Quantum Shittydynamics
Shit happens only in well-defined quantities.
 
Einsteinism
Shit is Relative.
 
Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law
Relatives are Shit.
 
Washington
I cannot tell a lie--shit happened.
 
Lincoln
Four score and seven shits ago...
 
Nixon
Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it.
I am not a shit!
 
Reagan
Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap.
 
Quayle
Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
 
Clinton
I didn't inhale this shit.
I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so....
I did not take a shit with that woman...
Shit! They know about the Chinese deal.
 
Bush
Read my lips: no more shit!
Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture.
This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
 
Perot
I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit.
 
McCarthyism
Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
 
Martin Luther King
Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
 
Julius Caesar
I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
 
John Paul Jones
I have not yet begun to shit.
 
James Tiberius Kirk
... to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
 
Computer Science
There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt
 
Macintosh
(Enough said)
 
UNIX/C
A core dump... Shit!
 
IBM/DOS
It's shit, but at least it's compatible.
 
Communism
It's everybody's shit.
 
Marxism
The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Dictatorship of the shit.
 
Capitalism
Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit.
 
Cannibalism
Don't eat the shit.
 
Vegetarianism
If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
 
Hedonism
There's nothing quite like a good shit.
 
Stoicism
This shit is good for me.
 
Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen; shit is.
Shit happening is absurd.
 
Realism
I think I need to take a shit.
 
Denialism
What shit?
 
Purists
If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
 
Procrastinationism
I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow.
 
Avoidanceism
With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
 
Repressionism
I'll hold this shit in forever.
 
Fatalism
Oh shit, it's going to happen!
 
Surrealism
Fish!
 
Moilanenism
Smells like shit of finnish fish.
 
Nihilism
Let's blow this shit up!
 
Fetishism
I love when shit happens.
 
Masochism
Do shit to me!
 
Sadism
I will shit on you!
 
Freudianism
Shit is a phallic symbol.

Shit Happens According to the Philospohers

Thales
Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
 
Epicurus
If shit happens, enjoy it.
 
Socrates
What is shit? Why is shit?
 
Aristotle
The essence of shittyness...
 
Descartes
I think, so why am I in this shit?
I shit, therefore I am.
 
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire)
The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit.
 
Thoreau
I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life.
 
Sartre
Shit is meaningless!
What is shit, anyway?

Shit Happens in Various Professions

Mathematician
Shit happening is just a special case...
 
Statistician
There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
 
Physicist (Theoretical)
Shit SHOULD happen.
 
Physicist (Experimental)
To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
 
Engineer
I hope this shit holds together.
 
Chemist
I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!!
 
Biologist
Is this shit alive?
 
Economist
I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
 
Bureaucrat
I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
 
Psychologist
Shit is in your mind.
Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
 
Programmer
It's shit, but at least it compiles.
 
Social Scientist
Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
 
Politician
It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Shit is bad for the economy.
 
Dean
Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take.
 
Accountant
Why doesn't this shit add up?
 
Linguist
What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
 
Quality Control Inspector
This shit ain't good enough.
 
IRS Auditor
I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
 
Farmer
I get subsidies for my shit.
 
Union Leader
Give us more shit or we'll strike.
 
Mafia Boss
Rub the shit out.
 
Drug Dealer
Do you want some... shit?
This is pretty good shit!
 
NYC Cab Driver
Damn, looks like I hit that shit...

The Laws of Thermodynamics for Sanitation Engineers

0th: There is shit.

1st: You can't get rid of it.

2nd: It gets deeper.

3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking.


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